Preparing to Prepare

When this pause started and I put down everything except the pen, it pushed my book from the front of my mind to the back. I didn't share it unless someone found out about it and asked. When new people read it and share their experience or the impact, I feel disconnected from it. How do you feel disconnected from not only your book, but real stories that happened in your life?

I know it has something to do with the timing and how the pause started, unexpected, abrupt, not what I would have chosen for myself. As I prepare to prepare, it's requiring me to reconnect to my why, Mom Dreams itself, and that cannot happen without connecting with the book.

My husband and I were talking about what this could look like moving forward. Speaking means sharing, revisting, and embracing what new will look like. We arrived at I need to re-read the book from this place. Being on the other side of creating Mom Dreams, writing the book, and renewance, my lense has changed. Reading the book again, here, will reveal some of the areas that has happened.

It might sound strange, but I'm nervous about reading it again. My answers to my own questions will change. Even my insight on my stories will change. That is the only thing that is constant, change. It's not bad, but it is sometimes an uncomfortable reality.

I am preparing my heart for what I might see, what I may hear, what even my father may share about the woman that completed that work and the woman I am now. This process, restarting in pace with Him, slowly, intentionally has been different. In the past, the re-read of my book would have been done, pages of notes completed, a plan already written, and because I am thorough, created space for Him to come in and make adjustments.

I have been preparing to re-read the book for two weeks, and all I have is a title in connection with the conference theme, Building in Opposition. Although my book will not be the center of what I talk about at the conference, it is baked into my life, my experiences, and whatever work I am called to as Mom Dreams rebirths.

In earlier blogs I have talked about how God in his infinite love prepared me for seasons. This time it's different. I'm listening and all He is saying is follow. No glimpses, no warnings, no instructions for what's ahead, just walking daily with Him. I guess I am the kid that no longer needs the pep talk before we go somewhere. He trusts me to follow. He thinks I am ready to go without the preparation I used to need. I don't feel too sure, but I do trust His track Record. He hasn't failed, He hasn't missed, and following Him has never led me wrong.

I am preparing to prepare, without a map. We will see where this leads, together.