The Big D Word

It's something how one word can lead to a week of being gathered. From multiple dreams, a message on Sunday, and a couple small injuries, distractions can bring a world of chaos and confusion. I would like to think I am pretty disciplined, focused, and highly productive, until I'm not. I will be honest; it has been a tough week.

As we prepare for my daughter to start high school (I know high school), things are busier than usual at work, my husband is tackling some new roles at work, and we are closing out the summer and turning our focus more intentionally on purpose, you wouldn't think I have time to be distracted. Well distractions come in different forms.

A distraction for me could be an untimely thought about how I would find (Frankenstein) a slow moment in my week to get a pedicure because it has been weeks. Then someone steps on your foot, cracks the big toenail, and suddenly the motivation dissipates. It's not that the pedicure was bad, it was my exact thought as I was heading into prayer (a place I did not want to be that day), and I have a feeling that may have been what I would have been thinking about the whole time. A distraction could be working on a report for a correction at work for over an hour, closing it, and because you double check everything after attached, realizing it did not save. I swear I saved it, and I almost cried when I had to start over. A distraction could be cooking dinner, while contemplating life, my week, and several things that frustrated me that day. Unfortunately, when you cook without paying attention you are more likely to jam your finger in the vegetable drawer and pull back a bloody ring finger with most of your natural nail (and the junked butterfly) missing.

When I posted that video earlier this week, I clearly did not take heed to my own words. While I thought I needed to be focused and productive, what I really needed to be was present. Each time I hurt myself or had to start over, which was more than I mentioned above, I was reminded that my hands and feet were doing one thing, but my mind was somewhere else. In every injury and restart, it brought me back to, "Breanna you are distracted." I was still moving and still getting things done, but I have a couple of band aids to prove that there was a better way.

When I was younger, I could absentmindedly do things with ease, but I also had less responsibilities, less hats, and less people depending on me to do my part. I could move from one task to the other, one place to another, with less concern about how much time it took. Now I manage a family, a team, a business, relationships, and purpose, among other things. I have to be intentional, it feels like all the time, to get through the day efficiently and clearly for me, without harm. Sometimes being intentional can be exhausting so stealing a couple days to aimlessly get things done feels like a just reward. This week was not rewarding. I wasted time, I wasted energy, and I won't have a nice manicure or pedicure for about a month, some of the few things I prioritize for self-care. It's something small, but I finally got good at doing that one thing for myself. When I see it, it's a reminder that at some point in the last two weeks, I paused just for me.

I know you can relate. You have so much on your plate and sometimes you want to get through the day without thinking so much. You want to conserve energy because you know, some of the things you have to do, no one can or will do them except you. Maybe you have been mindlessly going through the motions for an extended amount of time, and you feel like you do not have the energy to pull yourself back to the present. Going through the motions is a big distraction because you miss so much in that state. You become unaware of yourself and your needs, and you become unaware of others. In our heads we call it a pause, but it's actually a coping mechanism that we use to escape, even if it is for a moment. I escaped myself right into several injuries, but when I look at my hand now (and for the next several weeks), I have a visual reminder.

1. Breanna, stay present in the moment. You and your mind are needed right where you are.

2. Breanna, you hate wasting time, and that is exactly what you will continue to do if you keep allowing yourself to be distracted.

3. Breanna, you do not need to escape, you need to really assess what self-care is in this season. You are changing and your needs have changed.

4. Breanna, yes you have a lot on your plate, and how you did things before no longer work. You need a better strategy, yes, even for the mundane day to day things.

5. Breanna, don't beat yourself up for not paying attention to your own words. Just make a decision and do things differently starting right now.

   
   

   Yes, I really do talk to myself like that in real life because listen, I am tired of hurting myself, not just physically but mentally. Sis is tired.... of myself, and I cannot, will not enter this school year and continue in the remainder of this year absent, barreling through life. Sometimes I forget how much time and energy it took for me to show up in this life that God and I collaborated on. He gave me the instructions, and I did the walking.

   
   

   I get angry enough to fight, frustrated enough to quit, tired enough to give up, and annoyed enough to actually start saying the terrible things I sometimes think, and then I remember. I remember I asked for this. I remember there is a solution for every problem. Most importantly, I remember that I did not get here on my own so I'm not alone. Today, I do not have 5 things you should do to stop being distracted. Today I have honesty and a resolve that yesterday was the last day that it's going to be like that. I will check in with you all next week to keep you updated, as of now I am just choosing to be fully present in my frustration as I walk toward whatever new solutions will be presented in this season. Until next week, I love you all.