Co-Exist

There is something you should know about me. If there's silence and if there's distance, I am processing, I am focusing on gratefulness, and I am staying above it. It can be stirring emotions, managing my need to understand something that is out of my control, confusion, or it can just be life's hard things. Sometimes things will happen that will pull me from above it, to in it, and that is not always a bad thing as long as I recognize the moment and embrace it. For me, that was a "How are you doing?" text message from a dear friend yesterday.

I responded honestly - great, and I asked her the same question. She said amazing, but she made sure to emphasize that she was genuinely checking on me. Then she eased into some questions. What was your high and low this week? Are you feeling happy, I cannot tell? Are you content? I paused because honestly no one had asked me those questions in some time, and I can be embarrassed and admit I had to think because I did not know. The only answer I was sure of was, I am content. Although this season has been rewarding, fulfilling, and I see how God has turned so much out for my good - those things co-exist with some harsh realities.

I can recognize my growth because a year ago, when I would hear people talk about their child's upcoming senior year, I struggled to be happy for them because I knew mine would not look like how I desired or planned. When I saw graduation pictures, prom posts, and mom's stressing about it all coming together, I knew in my heart, that would be something in the next year that I would not experience. At least, not yet. Despite all these things, I thoroughly enjoyed Mother's Day this year and how my family celebrated me. God loved me so much, He took my heart into consideration with how I honored my own mother, which is a complex situation. I am seeing graduations, proms, college commitments, and not one of those brought resentment or sadness. Here we are two weeks from my own son's graduation, and the question comes, are you feeling happy?

Now, I could go the easy route and logically explain all the good and why I am grateful, but that is a cop out and that is not feelings. I am going to answer the question with you all now that I know the answer. I feel happy, and deeply sad. There is a sadness, wrapped in relief and thankfulness. If you lived it, you would understand why. I am full of joy and sorrow. I am joyful about my present family's growth, relationship, and connection. What could have broken us beyond repair, made us stronger and brought us closer together. We walk in a boldness and confidence that birthed out of a really painful place. I also grieve in present time what was, what I thought, what is, and the end of an era. But while grieving, I am also proud. As my son exits high school, my daughter is preparing to enter high school. I am excited, but my expectations are definitely different.

I know you get it because as you read, you are thinking of at least one relationship that ended or paused unexpectantly that you still don't fully understand. Let me help you. Accept fully where it is. It is real. That situation really happened, you cannot change it, and something ended that you did not anticipate. Most importantly, when there are strained relationships, unexpected outcomes, and complex layers - people have opinions. I have learned in spaces like these to not be concerned about people's opinions or perceptions because what they think is not my business. That sentiment also translates to family. I want to encourage you to stop stressing so much about what they say, what they think, or their comments on what they would have done. Stop trying to defend a decision you made prayerfully, thoughtfully, and unselfishly. Sometimes you find out you made the best choice because of the outcome. They weren't there for the beginning, they skipped some of the hardest seasons, and although they get to see somethings you do not, it does not take away from all the seeds you planted, the sacrifices you made, and your contribution. Celebrate anyway, in your own way and in your own time.

Thank you, my friend, for seeing beyond my encouraging posts and desire to help others. Thank you for reminding me to be present, not just for others, but for myself. Thank you for asking the right questions so that I moved from above it to in it at the right time. In this moment, I really understand why I wanted a tattoo for Mother's Day. Give me permanent flowers that do not die. You gave me my flowers yesterday, and for that I am deeply grateful. In this moment I am giving you yours. As I sit in a space God and I created, to invite you all into intimate moments in my life, I appreciate you being here to hear my heart and your willingness to assess your own. This is a vital part of Mom Dreams, safe spaces, because I do not just create them for you, you all also create them for me. From one woman to another, one mom to another, one dreamer to another, thank you and I love you all. Thank you for co-existing with me.