On Duty

This joy thing has me in a chokehold. I cannot help but notice how it is invading how I see things, how I think, and it is also challenging what I believe. I am learning how to be a daughter the way He intended.

We had The Covenant small group meeting this past Wednesday, and I appreciate this safe space. We can be open, vulnerable, and transparent. We are supported, challenged, redirected, and honest. I think we sometimes shy away from sharing the good because we don't know if people will celebrate with us, and I appreciate my sisters being excited for me in this joy season. This is community.

When I experienced the chaos, I did not know these women existed. He reserved this group, and it has been instrumental in helping me walk through recovery. Peace I had, but this layer of joy was an unexpected gift.

Joy changes the lense. Now, I fully understand why God told me to pause. I built out of survival and necessity, but I also built out of obedience, obligation, and duty. He said do it, it was hard, I said yes, but it was deeper than that.

Much of what I have done for the Lord has been done out of obedience in obligation, and duty. No one else would do it, it was expected, it was a practice, or prior to being an adult, it was required. I have not experienced doing things with the Lord out of relationship and love for Him. See new lense, for verses with, duty verses love.

It makes me wonder how many relationships were impacted by that mindset. How did that approach minimize my impact? God has blessed me for my obedience, but imagine what He can do when my heart and my motive is completely pure. Instead of striving and trying to earn His love and approval, something I already have, I am abiding in Him and Him in me. He can move freely because of love and relationship.

That is what being a child of God is. We should know that we are fully loved. We should know we have full access because of Jesus' sacrifice. We should know that He works everything out for our good, our decisions and the decisions of others that impact us. We should know. We say it, we read it, we even share it, but do we believe it? Are we living like we are fully loved and fully accepted or are we living like fatherless children?

I was living like a fatherless child.

My identity was rooted in the wrong things, my belief system was based on my limited, painful experiences not his word, and I could not be honest about the areas where I did not trust Him. It was easier to focus on the areas where I was sure, than face the areas where I was angry with Him.

This recovery journey made me look at the soil of my heart. It revealed areas where I blamed God for decisions that people made. It uncovered that I dealt with pride and rejection. It also showed me that I was living beneath what has already been provided for me.

Some years back I asked the Lord out of frustration would I ever get to a place where the struggle wasn't this hard. Was it possible for Him to ask for something or ask me to do something and we didn't wrestle? I always submitted but the wrestling was with my I don't want to. He never answered me. It took some time, some pruning, some revealing, some releasing, some healing, some understanding, but the answer was yes then and the answer is yes now.

When we serve out of love and relationship, it is easier. It mirrors the scripture my yoke is easy and my burden is light. When we cultivate space for Him and become like children, we experience the revelation of His love, and it changes our lives forever. Our yes is fruit of relationship instead of the struggle in striving. We can see He knows best, and because of our history with Him, we stop questioning if we can trust Him.

I know for some you see this Jesus thing as religion. It represents oppression because of how He was introduced to you. Try Jesus the way He intended. I appreciate my introduction and foundation, but change didn't come until I experienced Him for myself. When I experienced Him, He had to breakdown that foundation and rebuild it. Obligation and duty was a major part of that foundation, and now I am learning how to live in love and relationship.

I don't know why it took so long for me to get this. The transfer from head knowledge to heart and belief took some time, but it came at the right time. Resting in Him, receiving the promise of peace that surpasses all understanding, fully accepting His unconditional love, abiding in relationship, and living in abundant joy which brings strength.

I would say I am on the winning side.