From Breanna to Breezy

Soooo when I found out my identity was misplaced for an extended period of time, I couldn't help but go back and look at how that showed up in my thinking, in my decisions, and in my parenting. Then I felt to just stop.

When we receive new information it's normal to want to trace it, identify it, quantify it. I'm not doing that this time. I literally have a book of how I thought, where I fell short, and how those things impacted my decisions in parenting and in my marriage. So I made a decision during this crazy week.

I am choosing joy.

Mother's Day has always been a special day marked with some sadness, sometimes sorrow. It was impossible for me to fully reflect on motherhood without awareness of the pain, tragedies, and challenges that came with it. Honestly, it made me better, but the process also broke me in some areas. I am learning healing is sometimes in the going back, not to trace, identify, or quantify. Just to see. I see her then, I see me now, and I am just grateful. Joy and gratitude.

I decided to write a letter to my 19 year old self because it was around this time in 2006 that I found out I was becoming a mother.

Hey Breezy,

If you are reading this you are preparing for your finals, finishing your freshman year at Baylor. It was one hell of a school year. Your grades look great and just like you planned, you layed a great foundation to finish in 4 years. You made some new friends, learned so much about yourself, and your first crack at semi-independence wasn't too bad. You fully dropped some weight because that ex-boyfriend of yours that faked his death really was crazy. You dodged a bullet there. Please follow your first mind FOREVER.

The guy you are with now, stay the course. I won't rob you of the experience but I will say every challenge will be worth it. He said he loved you already, and he means it. Everytime he gets the opportunity he will show you.

Now, what you know and I know is that pregnancy test has been in your bag for weeks. You took the first one, but you couldn't shake the feeling that your thoughts were wrong. All this time you didn’t think you would be able to have children because of some of your health challenges and here we are, with no concrete evidence but a gut feeling.

Go take the test and then let's talk...

Yes, I know you are freaking out. You made the phone call, and see, his response was him showing you. You are sad, afraid, angry, disappointed in yourself, all emotions you don't have language for yet. You are thinking about how this is going to completely change your life, but because of your limited experience, you can't map out a plan in your mind to make you feel better in the moment.

You can't tell your friends because it's too soon and they aren't good at keeping secrets. You don’t have time to cry because you have finals to finish, and you still have to pack and pretend everything is okay as your parents assume because this school year is done, you have skipped the "family curse" of children before marriage.

Listen, you are trying to unpack too much, too soon. I am not going to lie to you, this is going to be difficult, but this is not the first difficult experience you have had. You are strong, you are resilient, and you will figure it out.

Don't sit in your anger too long, the people you punish during your pregnancy won't deserve it. That library dive on parenting you are contemplating, just get 1 book because you aren't going to read them all. Don't wait so long to start asking God questions, He is waiting on you and He is not ashamed of you. He loves you and He will keep His word to work it out for your good.

Don't pack up your book of dreams, they will still happen. Your path will just look different than what you planned. You don't have to be anything other than what you are right now. You will grow into it just like everything else. Start the process now of learning how to love yourself flaws and all. There is a version of you on the other side of this messy part that you will be proud of.

You are (already) a beautiful young woman and an amazing mother. Walk in it without fear, without shame, and with confidence because when people count you out, it's because they didn't factor in that you have already encountered God, your creator and your child’s creator.

I don't have all the answers. In 20 years you will see some of the messes we make, but I love you, I'm proud of you (already), and it will take some time for you to believe it, but you are already enough. I'm giving you a big hug because you will need strength for the journey, but this is only one page in your story.

Now get up and go ace that final. When we talk again you will see I was right, and you know how we love being right. 🤣 (<--- that's called an emoji, invest in it).

From Breanna to Breezy.