Recovery

Well, clarity always comes when you slow down enough to pay attention. I don't always get details when I receive instructions, and at this stage in life I only ask the when question in the beginning. I have learned that if I ask too many questions in the beginning of a process, it slows me down, and not in a good way. Sometimes a moment needs an immediate response.

In this pause, where all I am doing is writing and listening, there are some areas where God is taking me back to the beginning. I had a spiritual awareness that I was carrying something, and naturally my initial response was, "It must be what's next." That understanding was true, but not in the way I thought.

When I finally asked Him what I was carrying, He told me I am carrying recovery - for myself first. Yes, I have continued walking. Yes, I have been obedient. Yes, I have been present, but I have not fully recovered, which is what God is requiring in this season before He releases what's next.

When I heard recovery, I will be honest, I was a little disappointed. It's not about recovery for others, that's amazing. It meant there were some things that we would have to go back and revisit that I thought were resolved. I always say this, you don't know the full impact of some experiences until some time passes.

You already know where I went.

It was time for a check in with my therapist anyway, one who knows me, my story, my purpose, and who is so connected in the spirit that she can read me my rights and bring comfort at the same time. Thankfully, I did not get read this session.

It was a positive, uplifting session. I caught her up on all the things, and for the first time in a very long time it was ALL good things. When we transitioned to the word recovery, I saw her perk up like she had been waiting. That was a yellow flag for me. That typically means she has had this section of items reserved for when I brought it up.

Recovery would be discussed in more detail in our next session because we did not have time to unpack it, but she left me with two things as our time ended. "Let it go," anything that could be there for comfort but not growth, anything that could create resistance for what's next, and anything that could be a hindrance to recovery.

The next thing, you have been on autopilot. I will be honest, I have a negative association with that word because of how emotionally withdrawn I was prior to going to therapy, so when she said it, I was immediately defensive. She continued, "You had to keep going, keep being obedient, stay connected, keep making decisions. You had to go into autopilot to some degree so that you would not overthink or make decisions based on how you felt. When autopilot is turned off you feel emotions more intensely, and your awareness increases."

I said uh oh to myself because one of the main things God told me before this process started was watch my temper. I have never had a temper so when He said it, I believed him. I would be a fool not to, and things started making sense. So there I was. I learned recovery for me started with being taken off autopilot, and at this young-old age, my temper could be a problem.

Let's just say within 3 days that temper was tested (more than once), several people that I am in recovery from reached out to me directly, and yes the force was strong. Yall, I got so mad, I immediately got physically hot, and it was not because of those several people. I was not too far removed, so the temptation to turn autopilot back on was within arms reach. I had a busy week already and it felt like a distraction, a disturbance, an interruption.

Instead I sat in it. I had not felt those specific feelings in some time. It was uncomfortable, painful, heavy but necessary. In those moments I learned I am not the same person, in the best way. I saw my growth because the heaviness did not last. I came into an awareness of areas I have healed, and areas in my heart God still needs to touch. I discovered things that were weights I needed to release, things I learned in survival mode that were no longer true, and I was reminded of God's faithfulness and Jesus' sacrifice.

I will share one of the things I had to let go. I "learned" in that season that I had to protect myself from them. I had to screen calls, pray about timing, seek God on when and how to respond, get instructions days and weeks in advance to prepare me. In that season, I did not know how long this would last, and it lasted for years.

I relearned that what I associated with protecting myself was a God given strategy for a trial that I did not create. I was not protecting myself, God was protecting me. God's instruction is guard your heart, not build a fortress and set guards. When a heart is guarded to that extent, even God cannot access certain parts. I had to blow up the fortress, fire the guards, respond to those people, and then fight the urge to rebuild what God asked me to let go of.

That doesn't mean be foolish. Wisdom is still a necessity in all seasons, but He is showing me how to guard my heart His way. God wastes nothing, and sometimes what He wants to use for His glory is our growth, our healing, and our trust that He works all things for our good.

So I am in recovery, and if you are coming out of a tough season, chances are you are too. Here are some questions you can ask our creator to help you along the way.

1. What am I carrying?

2. What areas in my heart are so guarded that You don't have access?

3. What did I learn in that hard season that I need to release?

4. What do You want me to know about You as I go through recovery?

5. What areas have You already worked for my good that I do not see yet?

Let it go. It's okay, and that solution was always supposed to be temporary. Finding your identity in temporary solutions will leave you stuck and living a life beneath what God has for you. It’s time to find your identity in Him - the One who is solid, unchanging, and dependable, no longer finding your identity in your lived experiences or what others have done to you.

Let it go. 💓

It's Sunday, so shortly after this I am headed to worship to flush this heart out even more. I hope this has left you encouraged... His words about my life always leave me in that state. Remember you are loved, needed, and never alone.