Something Old & New

Soooo, do you know what's harder than writing a book with all your business thinking it's for you, then God says publish it? Sharing your business in real time....so let's get into it.

You know a couple weeks ago, I shared about this Mom Dreams pause. When I thought it was time to go, God said stop. In the momentum, I was ready to speed up and God said, "No, you have reached the top in this place, in this condition."

What I did not share was as I was learning what stop meant, we started something old in a new way. After I got over my feelings of what I thought, I welcomed a complete stop. An unplug to renew, reassess, and refocus is this introverts dream, a doer and producer, realizing the season. I could turn off, turn inward, or show up less. I wanted momentum or nothing at all. He said no to that too.

I should have started with questions, but He just stood back and let me assume, because the lesson learned would be sweeter. Yes, God has a sense of humor, and I can see Him now, shaking His head acknowledging that I still have not learned. A part of my acceptance of stop, was me rationalizing with no facts. I could use the break. I am tired. I get it Lord, a pause makes sense.

Well, apparently I am in active recovery. You know when you run sprints and instead of completely stopping in between, you jog to the next sprint spot. Yes, that's me. He said no to momentum, and no to a complete stop. Instead He decided I would start doing something I haven't done in over 10 years because it's time.

As I write, I am looking at God, look at me, because for over a month I have been leading worship on Sunday mornings. I haven't consistently sang in a choir in over 10, and I haven't led worship in over 15, and right now He said it's time. Insert gif of woman throwing her hands in the air, running, and ugly crying in surrender because she knows nothing.

A little background, over 6 months ago, God was dealing with me about singing again. I never stopped singing for Him, but I found comfort in my closet, room, and pews, just Him and me. We were attending a church that He led us to, and He started dealing with me about worship. It was not a place I was excited about serving in that way. I was good with prayer and being behind the scenes, hiding when He let me.

He needed a yes from me, and it was a hard yes because it was an environment similar to where I grew up, self-righteous, religious, presence but lacking power. I had questions. How could a loving father call me to serve in this capacity, in this type of environment? I know who I am now compared to when I was a child. God healed me... for this? It seemed cruel. Yes, worship shifts atmospheres, but when leadership is prideful and unwilling to allow the power of God to flow, it limits God. They prayed for somethings, it came, and they rejected the answer.

I had to give my yes in this place. It was hard. It was ugly. We wrestled. Eventually I surrendered, and more healing came. The reality, for me to question where I should use gifts (He gave me), meant I had pride too. For me to question God's goodness meant there were some areas I had not let His love reach. Our family surrendered, not just this, but other things and then God gave a release from that assignment. As we questioned His goodness, He knew we would surrender, and He was already preparing a place.

God led in a way that only He can, and I will save that story for another day, but I can depend on my husband to listen to the spirit of God and confirmation when it comes. Where we landed is the actual place He planned for us to use those gifts. Don't get me wrong, there is no perfect church because it is full of imperfect people. What I can confirm is like-mindedness, a desire to see people healed, and hunger for the power of God to move - small in number but mighty in power and the word.

This is something old because I have served God in worship, leading, teaching, guiding. This is something new because I have never served God in public worship knowing who I am in Christ, healed to this level, fully knowing the purpose of worship, and with humility because I know that regardless of skill, nothing shifts or changes without His power.

I knew things were different when I didnt feel fear or anxiety. I have learned how to do things in His strength, not my own. I knew things were different when I messed up the words, but it did not distract me from what God wanted to accomplish in His worship service. I knew things were different when our Exexutive Pastor challenged me to sing a song that would be usually "out of my range," and I said yes. I did my part, practice, and through the spirit those notes came out. It was all Him.

Why does all this matter?

1. Surrender comes before release.

2. His thoughts and plans are good toward you, even when it hurts.

3. You will never learn how much you have grown if you are unwilling to revisit what you consider old.

4. We can be an accurate accuser and guilty at the same time.

5. With all of our gifts, discernment, awareness, and truth, we can be loud and still wrong.

I am still learning to navigate this space. New is springing up all around me, and I am beginning to settle in it. If active recovery is just writing for Mom Dreams (that is where it all started), and presenting a pure heart of worship even if I miss notes and words, so be it. He trusts me here and He created me, so when I can't trust my feelings, I can trust His plan.

I look at my life and wonder how I got here, but I also wouldn't go back if someone paid me. I am right where I am, open heart, open hands, and stepping on the heels of my master because it's too late to stop following Him now.

I don't know (head) where this path will lead, but I do know (heart), it's somewhere good. Until further notice you can find me writing about life, or leading a song or two on Sunday mornings. Either way, I am learning to rest on the chest of a loving father, letting Him do the heavy lifitng.

See you next week. 😘